That thing called, “Closure.” February 21, 2007

It’s over and it’s okay
By Arlene Paredes
Inquirer

CLOSURE can mean a lot of things in Philosophy and Math. But as far as romance is concerned, closure is the right word for the complete conclusion of a relationship.

It is that distinct sense of freedom from all the grudges, bitterness and resentments that a bad breakup may have brought. Closure is also freedom from wishful thinking, false hopes and incessant novenas for the loved one to come back. Simply put, when you’ve found closure, it means you know it’s over, and it’s just okay that way.

The question is: When do you say “It’s over and it’s just okay?”

A normal person won’t be happy to end a relationship that’s been a part of his/her life, especially if the relationship has lasted for a significant length of time. Still, it does not mean that no normal person would end a relationship. In fact, a mentally sound person would know when a relationship should come to an end.

Following are some of the possible scenarios that can lead to a breakup (not in any order): lack of common interests, infidelity, boredom, pride, selfishness, arrogance, insensitivity, the presence of a third party, etc. Some relationships overcome, some try to overcome; but not every relationship can overcome these issues.

Let’s face it: Everybody wants something more — especially if he or she ends up with people who are used to giving much less than what they can actually give.

Once the stage of being so blindly in love is over and all the romantic issues are exposed, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stay, especially when things just get worse day by day. (Sometimes, they don’t really get worse; they just become more obvious.)

Then once the limit for overcoming is met, the breakup happens. If you’ve been around, or have friends who have been around, you’ll know for sure that breakups never just happen. A breakup is always the end result of a series of unpleasant events. Falling out of love is merely one of these unpleasant occurrences.

In an ideal breakup, one partner says it’s over, and the other agrees and even feels relieved that the breakup need not come from him/her, or that finally, the breakup happened before the relationship got any deeper or more serious.

Annie Reed’s (Meg Ryan) breakup with her fiancé in “Sleepless in Seattle” is a classic example of a clean, smooth and ideal breakup. Minutes after breaking up with the guy she can’t afford to marry, she’s with Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) and they are free to start a new relationship without fear of being stalked, threatened, humiliated or cursed.

We all wish every breakup is like that. But not everyone finds closure fast and easy, especially when there are no Sam Baldwins or Annie Reeds meeting on top of the Empire State Building. Enough about the movies! In real life, closure does not come easily to everyone. This is because not everyone understands why breakups need to happen.

In a funny way, even with a list of a thousand reasons for a breakup, the other party would still think that the issues could be worked out. This is tricky, because once you hear of a reason leading to a breakup, it should be quite evident that your loved one is unhappy with you. And once you start coming up with a rebuttal, it only means you’re making an argument, not to save the relationship, but to prove that you’re right.

On the one hand, it’s good to “fight” for your love. On the other hand, what would you be fighting for if the other person has decided to move on? Where is the “love” in that person?

Different marks

I’ve seen people who found it hard to let go because they thought the reasons given to them were lame and irrational. They try to argue back, without realizing that the reasons were only lame and irrational to them because they’re looking at their relationship in different ways. They’re not on the same page. They’re going on different directions. They’re not aiming for the same marks. Therefore, it does not make sense for them to continue on a journey together.

Who is “the third party?” This androgynous character is so notorious for breaking up a lot of relationships. Poor Third Party, even when you’re not the real reason, others would still put the blame on you, not getting that you won’t be in the scene without much help from the first or second party.

People just give you too much credit because you’re easier to blame. In “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) couldn’t let go of Michael O’Neal (Dermot Mulroney) who was getting married to someone he just met. So with much conviction, she told her gay friend George (Rupert Everett), “I can make him happier than her.” To which George replied, “Is this about winning?”

Unfortunately, it is so easy to forget that love is not about winning, or comparing yourself to anyone whom your love interest has chosen to marry. Love is always about giving and setting free.

You can wallow over a broken heart all your life. Or, you can just begin to live with the fact that your relationship may be over, but your life is not, and at the rate the population is increasing on this planet, there’s a good chance you’ll meet someone new and begin a new relationship.

Form your own closure by accepting that it’s over and love is not about winning. It’s always about the journey.

Again, question: When do you say that “It’s over and it’s just okay?”

Answer: Whenever you’re willing and ready. (Keep saying you’re not, and you never will be.) Inquirer link here.

Friendster’s It’s Complicated February 14, 2007

Oh, love and its complications!

By Arlene Paredes 2bU! Correspondent Inquirer

Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.–Michael LeunigIT wasn’t too long ago when the field for “status” in any personal information sheet could only be filled out with “single” or “married or “widowed.” Today, in some official forms, possible answers include “single with a child,” “single in domestic partnership,” and “single and never married,” among others. Evidently, the times have changed for relationships. There is now a longer list of possible status for everyone. In response to this scenario, personal information sheets have been updated and redesigned to get the real picture of a person’s status. Friendster, meanwhile, limits the status choices to five, and offers a convenient way to describe one’s possible relationship with anyone by adding “it’s complicated” among the possible answers for one’s status. Friendster.com, a popular social networking site on the Internet, wants to know if a member is single, in a relationship, a domestic partner, married or involved in a “complicated thing.” Now, what could be this complicated thing? Following are true accounts of people who have — at least once — chosen “it’s complicated” as their Friendster status, and the more apt phrase for their actual situation: The ex Guy A says he’s in a complicated relationship because he’s now seeing his ex-girlfriend who had dumped him almost 10 years ago. He says it’s complicated because he hasn’t really broken up with his current girlfriend, who is working overseas. In fact, he is not even sure if he’d leave her for his ex. How can he break up with the girlfriend who has been talking wedding plans with him for the past year and a half? This situation is complicated enough. Three’s a crowd, after all. But here’s what makes matters even more complicated: Guy A’s ex-girlfriend has been married for over two years now. Guy A is 26 years old. Guy A says it’s complicated because they both know they’re doing something wrong. The truth is Guy A knows what he has to do to get out of the complicated status; but Guy A adds: “I am not yet ready to say goodbye (to his ex) again.” Status: It’s complicated! Real Score: Should decide soon. Online hunter Lady A is thirtysomething and married. When she joined Friendster, she chose “It’s complicated” as her status with a goal in mind — to meet guys. Lady A thought that “It’s complicated” sounded intriguing, and guys dig mysteries. It turned out that Lady A was right because it didn’t take long before she made some online guy friends, and developed steamy online romances with some of the men in her growing social network online. Soon enough, however, Lady A learned that not all guys are thrilled with mysteries. When her husband discovered what she was up to, he angrily confronted her about it. The husband was not happy at all with what he found out, and he hated her for being unfaithful. But all she could say was: “It was all for fun.” Status: It’s complicated! Real Score: Trying to feel single again. Other girlfriend Lady B never posted that she was in a complicated relationship, but she admits she could do that if she really wants to describe her relationship with this guy with whom she has been in a very ambiguous kind of relationship with for the past several months. The guy is almost like her boyfriend — they watch movies together, eat out, hold hands, hug, kiss and act like they’re together. Except they’re not really together. They don’t talk about where they are and where they’re going. She says they don’t talk about it because they wouldn’t make any real progress in talking anyway. At least not until he is ready, she clarifies. It may seem like an ordinary case of allergy against commitment, or the effect of modern times on young liberal minds; but here’s the root of the complication: While Lady B is “Single” in Friendster, her guy is “In a Relationship” with someone else, whose photo is on his Friendster profile page, too. So how do they do what they do together? His actual girlfriend is working overseas, and what they have is a rather complicated, shaky relationship because of the distance. Status: Single (It’s complicated!) Real Score: Single pending a break-up Girl who said no Lady C says she found herself in a complicated setup when she started falling for a very close friend whom she had rejected in the past. He came to her for more than friendship, she hinted they were better off as friends. Then she left the country. Not too long after, she felt she was missing him, started asking him questions, and was pleased with what came back as answers. They were good and romantic toward each other. But things were only happening online. Lady C thought things would get clearer when she came home for Christmas. But then she learned that he was already “in a relationship” with another girl by the time she got off the plane. Lady C realized her relationship was no longer as complicated, and changed her status to “single.” Now, Lady C claims that she has decided to let him go, as they might not be meant for each other. She’s still happy when she’s with him, and she thinks it’s good that they are staying close as friends. Status: Single (It’s [No Longer] complicated!) Real Score: Almost free Complicated girl Lady D gave a straightforward explanation on why she says her status is complicated: that’s only because she is complicated. It’s not the relationship that’s not working. She just could not find ways to make her relationships work. Or, as she said, she hasn’t found “the right one.” She’s a 28-year-old overseas Filipino worker who’s been dating and rejecting guys since she broke up with her boyfriend of several years. Lady D is now seeing someone. Their dates have so far been fine. He’s been calling her, and she’s not been saying no whenever he invites her out. They’re dating exclusively. But he’s not in her plans. She’s trying to get to know him, and she’s slowly allowing him into her world. Lady D says she has yet to figure out what she wants, but what she has now is good enough. Status: It’s complicated! Real score: Waiting for a sign The situations described above prove that some people find complications in their relationship only because they or their partners just cannot make a choice. At the end of the day, the choices are pretty simple: Do they complicate matters in their lives, or do they iron out the messy wrinkles for the sake of love? I read somewhere that falling in love just happens, but really loving someone, that is accepting another person in spite of everything, is a decision you make. In this case, getting into or out of a complicated relationship is also a choice. Now here’s what the people mentioned above have in common in their relationship: they chose to stay. Some of them are still in it. Others have closed the complicated chapter, and are now trying to move on. The rest will still be together this Valentine’s Day. Isn’t it funny how a simple word like “love” and phrase like “it’s complicated” can have endless possible stories behind them? Is love meant to be complicated? Or does complication only chase love because people, not love, are complicated by nature? (Inquirer link here)

Halloween! July 21, 2006

How to host a Halloween party for friends
By Arlene Paredes
Published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer

IT’S Halloween, and while we continue to remember our loved ones who have passed away, it’s not bad to go with “other traditions” this season. Like Halloween parties.

You can simply invite your friends over to watch horror flicks while eating popcorn, or you can cook up more adventurous (yet safe at home!) Halloween happenings this year.

How about an intimate masquerade party exclusively for your close friends? You can be Sadako. Or Dracula. Or one of the Charmed ones.

Or, you can host a friends-meet-friends Halloween party, where you can meet the other friends of your friends from school, workplace or church. Now is the time to let your circle of friends mingle in one bigger circle and have fun!

2bU! shares with you a few tips on hosting a Halloween party:

Mark your calendar. Set the date on when and where you want your party to be held. Setting a definite date will help your friends to plan ahead, adjust their schedule or ask permission from their parents early on.

Conceptualize. Think of a motif. Ask some friends to help you in the planning stage of your party. Brainstorm. The more ideas you toss around, the more creative you’ll be.

Delegate. Know that you can’t pull off a party alone. You need help from friends, and they’ll gladly help as much as they can. Assign different friends to oversee food and drinks, decor, costume coordination, presentations, games, etc.

Choose food and refreshments. If you have a theme for your party, it will be more fun if you can reconcile your theme with your food and drinks. Ask the help of your friends who are aspiring to be chefs someday. Or, you can check the Internet for recipes that go with Halloween parties.

Involve as many friends as possible in your Halloween program. If you’d like to have a ghost story-sharing session a la “Are You Afraid of the Dark,” make sure to ask everyone for stories. Or ask them to bring the most delicious and unique Halloween meal, drinks or dessert.

List your wanted guests. Make sure you have a clear idea of the number of your guests to avoid running out on food and drinks. If you have big shockers and effects at your door, make sure all your friends are healthy and will not wind up with a heart attack because of utter shock.

Invite in style. Instead of a regular invitation card or a text message, you can try sending an invite using spooky items like a rag doll, a toy spider or anything creepy.

Whatever you do, just have clean fun and stay sober. Enjoy!