That thing called, “Closure.” February 21, 2007

It’s over and it’s okay
By Arlene Paredes
Inquirer

CLOSURE can mean a lot of things in Philosophy and Math. But as far as romance is concerned, closure is the right word for the complete conclusion of a relationship.

It is that distinct sense of freedom from all the grudges, bitterness and resentments that a bad breakup may have brought. Closure is also freedom from wishful thinking, false hopes and incessant novenas for the loved one to come back. Simply put, when you’ve found closure, it means you know it’s over, and it’s just okay that way.

The question is: When do you say “It’s over and it’s just okay?”

A normal person won’t be happy to end a relationship that’s been a part of his/her life, especially if the relationship has lasted for a significant length of time. Still, it does not mean that no normal person would end a relationship. In fact, a mentally sound person would know when a relationship should come to an end.

Following are some of the possible scenarios that can lead to a breakup (not in any order): lack of common interests, infidelity, boredom, pride, selfishness, arrogance, insensitivity, the presence of a third party, etc. Some relationships overcome, some try to overcome; but not every relationship can overcome these issues.

Let’s face it: Everybody wants something more — especially if he or she ends up with people who are used to giving much less than what they can actually give.

Once the stage of being so blindly in love is over and all the romantic issues are exposed, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stay, especially when things just get worse day by day. (Sometimes, they don’t really get worse; they just become more obvious.)

Then once the limit for overcoming is met, the breakup happens. If you’ve been around, or have friends who have been around, you’ll know for sure that breakups never just happen. A breakup is always the end result of a series of unpleasant events. Falling out of love is merely one of these unpleasant occurrences.

In an ideal breakup, one partner says it’s over, and the other agrees and even feels relieved that the breakup need not come from him/her, or that finally, the breakup happened before the relationship got any deeper or more serious.

Annie Reed’s (Meg Ryan) breakup with her fiancé in “Sleepless in Seattle” is a classic example of a clean, smooth and ideal breakup. Minutes after breaking up with the guy she can’t afford to marry, she’s with Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) and they are free to start a new relationship without fear of being stalked, threatened, humiliated or cursed.

We all wish every breakup is like that. But not everyone finds closure fast and easy, especially when there are no Sam Baldwins or Annie Reeds meeting on top of the Empire State Building. Enough about the movies! In real life, closure does not come easily to everyone. This is because not everyone understands why breakups need to happen.

In a funny way, even with a list of a thousand reasons for a breakup, the other party would still think that the issues could be worked out. This is tricky, because once you hear of a reason leading to a breakup, it should be quite evident that your loved one is unhappy with you. And once you start coming up with a rebuttal, it only means you’re making an argument, not to save the relationship, but to prove that you’re right.

On the one hand, it’s good to “fight” for your love. On the other hand, what would you be fighting for if the other person has decided to move on? Where is the “love” in that person?

Different marks

I’ve seen people who found it hard to let go because they thought the reasons given to them were lame and irrational. They try to argue back, without realizing that the reasons were only lame and irrational to them because they’re looking at their relationship in different ways. They’re not on the same page. They’re going on different directions. They’re not aiming for the same marks. Therefore, it does not make sense for them to continue on a journey together.

Who is “the third party?” This androgynous character is so notorious for breaking up a lot of relationships. Poor Third Party, even when you’re not the real reason, others would still put the blame on you, not getting that you won’t be in the scene without much help from the first or second party.

People just give you too much credit because you’re easier to blame. In “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts) couldn’t let go of Michael O’Neal (Dermot Mulroney) who was getting married to someone he just met. So with much conviction, she told her gay friend George (Rupert Everett), “I can make him happier than her.” To which George replied, “Is this about winning?”

Unfortunately, it is so easy to forget that love is not about winning, or comparing yourself to anyone whom your love interest has chosen to marry. Love is always about giving and setting free.

You can wallow over a broken heart all your life. Or, you can just begin to live with the fact that your relationship may be over, but your life is not, and at the rate the population is increasing on this planet, there’s a good chance you’ll meet someone new and begin a new relationship.

Form your own closure by accepting that it’s over and love is not about winning. It’s always about the journey.

Again, question: When do you say that “It’s over and it’s just okay?”

Answer: Whenever you’re willing and ready. (Keep saying you’re not, and you never will be.) Inquirer link here.

Friendster’s It’s Complicated February 14, 2007

Oh, love and its complications!

By Arlene Paredes 2bU! Correspondent Inquirer

Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.–Michael LeunigIT wasn’t too long ago when the field for “status” in any personal information sheet could only be filled out with “single” or “married or “widowed.” Today, in some official forms, possible answers include “single with a child,” “single in domestic partnership,” and “single and never married,” among others. Evidently, the times have changed for relationships. There is now a longer list of possible status for everyone. In response to this scenario, personal information sheets have been updated and redesigned to get the real picture of a person’s status. Friendster, meanwhile, limits the status choices to five, and offers a convenient way to describe one’s possible relationship with anyone by adding “it’s complicated” among the possible answers for one’s status. Friendster.com, a popular social networking site on the Internet, wants to know if a member is single, in a relationship, a domestic partner, married or involved in a “complicated thing.” Now, what could be this complicated thing? Following are true accounts of people who have — at least once — chosen “it’s complicated” as their Friendster status, and the more apt phrase for their actual situation: The ex Guy A says he’s in a complicated relationship because he’s now seeing his ex-girlfriend who had dumped him almost 10 years ago. He says it’s complicated because he hasn’t really broken up with his current girlfriend, who is working overseas. In fact, he is not even sure if he’d leave her for his ex. How can he break up with the girlfriend who has been talking wedding plans with him for the past year and a half? This situation is complicated enough. Three’s a crowd, after all. But here’s what makes matters even more complicated: Guy A’s ex-girlfriend has been married for over two years now. Guy A is 26 years old. Guy A says it’s complicated because they both know they’re doing something wrong. The truth is Guy A knows what he has to do to get out of the complicated status; but Guy A adds: “I am not yet ready to say goodbye (to his ex) again.” Status: It’s complicated! Real Score: Should decide soon. Online hunter Lady A is thirtysomething and married. When she joined Friendster, she chose “It’s complicated” as her status with a goal in mind — to meet guys. Lady A thought that “It’s complicated” sounded intriguing, and guys dig mysteries. It turned out that Lady A was right because it didn’t take long before she made some online guy friends, and developed steamy online romances with some of the men in her growing social network online. Soon enough, however, Lady A learned that not all guys are thrilled with mysteries. When her husband discovered what she was up to, he angrily confronted her about it. The husband was not happy at all with what he found out, and he hated her for being unfaithful. But all she could say was: “It was all for fun.” Status: It’s complicated! Real Score: Trying to feel single again. Other girlfriend Lady B never posted that she was in a complicated relationship, but she admits she could do that if she really wants to describe her relationship with this guy with whom she has been in a very ambiguous kind of relationship with for the past several months. The guy is almost like her boyfriend — they watch movies together, eat out, hold hands, hug, kiss and act like they’re together. Except they’re not really together. They don’t talk about where they are and where they’re going. She says they don’t talk about it because they wouldn’t make any real progress in talking anyway. At least not until he is ready, she clarifies. It may seem like an ordinary case of allergy against commitment, or the effect of modern times on young liberal minds; but here’s the root of the complication: While Lady B is “Single” in Friendster, her guy is “In a Relationship” with someone else, whose photo is on his Friendster profile page, too. So how do they do what they do together? His actual girlfriend is working overseas, and what they have is a rather complicated, shaky relationship because of the distance. Status: Single (It’s complicated!) Real Score: Single pending a break-up Girl who said no Lady C says she found herself in a complicated setup when she started falling for a very close friend whom she had rejected in the past. He came to her for more than friendship, she hinted they were better off as friends. Then she left the country. Not too long after, she felt she was missing him, started asking him questions, and was pleased with what came back as answers. They were good and romantic toward each other. But things were only happening online. Lady C thought things would get clearer when she came home for Christmas. But then she learned that he was already “in a relationship” with another girl by the time she got off the plane. Lady C realized her relationship was no longer as complicated, and changed her status to “single.” Now, Lady C claims that she has decided to let him go, as they might not be meant for each other. She’s still happy when she’s with him, and she thinks it’s good that they are staying close as friends. Status: Single (It’s [No Longer] complicated!) Real Score: Almost free Complicated girl Lady D gave a straightforward explanation on why she says her status is complicated: that’s only because she is complicated. It’s not the relationship that’s not working. She just could not find ways to make her relationships work. Or, as she said, she hasn’t found “the right one.” She’s a 28-year-old overseas Filipino worker who’s been dating and rejecting guys since she broke up with her boyfriend of several years. Lady D is now seeing someone. Their dates have so far been fine. He’s been calling her, and she’s not been saying no whenever he invites her out. They’re dating exclusively. But he’s not in her plans. She’s trying to get to know him, and she’s slowly allowing him into her world. Lady D says she has yet to figure out what she wants, but what she has now is good enough. Status: It’s complicated! Real score: Waiting for a sign The situations described above prove that some people find complications in their relationship only because they or their partners just cannot make a choice. At the end of the day, the choices are pretty simple: Do they complicate matters in their lives, or do they iron out the messy wrinkles for the sake of love? I read somewhere that falling in love just happens, but really loving someone, that is accepting another person in spite of everything, is a decision you make. In this case, getting into or out of a complicated relationship is also a choice. Now here’s what the people mentioned above have in common in their relationship: they chose to stay. Some of them are still in it. Others have closed the complicated chapter, and are now trying to move on. The rest will still be together this Valentine’s Day. Isn’t it funny how a simple word like “love” and phrase like “it’s complicated” can have endless possible stories behind them? Is love meant to be complicated? Or does complication only chase love because people, not love, are complicated by nature? (Inquirer link here)

“Bunsung-bunso” June 14, 2006

The First Magician in My Eyes
By Arlene M. Paredes, 2bU! Correspondent

Published on Page C2 of the June 14, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

IT must have been really tough for you then, Tatay. You were 69 when I came into the world, a helpless tiny infant.

Then you were in your mid-70s when I was a hyperactive, crazy-dramatic, irrationally demanding and attention-hungry toddler. But you loved me well and you took care of me as a doting lolo-tatay.

I didn’t help make it easy for you. I was a very naughty child. Once, I made you gasp for air after you had to chase me around the house to try to discipline me with your scary sinturon (leather belt). I was mischievous and rather challenging, so I ran away from you, unmindful that I was giving you a really tiresome exercise. I still got the whip, all right, and remembered never to mess up with you again.

But more than remembering the lesson learned, I wish I didn’t have to make fatherhood even harder for you than it already was. But I was your daughter and you knew what you had to do and you loved me still. I never even once got to really thank you for loving me in spite of the very difficult situation we were in.

You made the most of what we had and tried your best so I, as a child, would not feel the lack of a strong father in my very vulnerable years.

I know a lot of children who aren’t so fortunate to get even a glimpse of a father. But you always gave your best. Dressed in a barong Tagalog, you fetched me from my school on the first day of classes. People must’ve thought it was weird, but I knew you had not fetched a child from school in a very long time and must’ve forgotten that you could opt to dress down for it.

Fortunately, the more appropriate time to wear the barong Tagalog came when we accepted my first medal in school. You must’ve been the oldest father in the Recognition Day crowd, but on that day you must’ve felt proud. At least I hope you did. Because apart from that, I can’t deny that I gave you a lot of unnecessary trouble growing up.

When I was 4 or 5 years old, I gave you quite a shock when I stuck my head between the wooden bars of our sari-sari store. Naturally curious, I played and tried to see if my tiny head (no, not tiny, I was fat!) could fit between the wooden bars of our store window.

I was amused that it did, but quickly I realized I couldn’t get my head out. So I cried and wailed like a siren for our entire little town to hear! You had to run out and call your carpenter friend to cut the bars using the smallest saw. Funny, but I don’t remember how afraid I was with the saw only an inch away from my neck!

You were in a state of real panic then, but all I could think of was, “Oh, my God! I’m sure Tatay will keep my head intact!” Of course, you did. Nanay and I would later look back at that time and, though we both knew it wasn’t funny at all, we’d end up laughing hard about it.

Nanay had all these stories of how tense you were when she was pregnant. You probably were anxious that the capacity to take care of a person was already beyond you. But see, we turned out fine because you never let your age get in the way of being the best father that you could be.

Before you got very ill, we enjoyed fun rides together around the town, on your bike and your old truck. Next to your patience, love and care, my ultimate gift from you was this little bike with a sidecar that you got from a passing junk collector. With your natural craftsmanship, you made it look almost new, and I had something that most of my playmates then could only dream of: my own wheels, a real funky ride!

When you finished reassembling that bike for me, you became the first magician in my eyes, turning junk into precious treasure. Later, I would realize that you were indeed a magician because you could see things differently. What others saw as trash, you transformed into a magical wonder of a toy. And when I was difficult to love, you looked through me and found good reasons to never give up on me.

You were the first one to go the extra mile to love me a bit more each day, even when I was unwittingly making myself so unlovable. Movies like “Riding in Cars with Boys” where a daughter can talk her heart out to her father never fail to make me cry, because it’s an important experience that I wish I had been able to share with you (including more fun truck rides around the town).

See, even before I could understand a bit about myself to start talking of my angst, you had become too sick to talk to me about even the mundane things. It was just part of my being human to always wish for more. But in hindsight, you gave me everything you could while you still could, and that’s more than enough for me.

I was 17 when you died. I prayed for God to let you live until you’re “90-plus” because I thought by then you would have walked me down to the altar and met your grandchild from me. But God said, no, you had to go. God, of course, is always right. There’s a time for everything and you made our time together all worthwhile.

There is no way for me to thank you enough. But I’m writing this for my sake–so I’ll remember that my father loved me, and that love should be enough to carry me through whatever difficulties I’d meet.

I’m sure you and Nanay are watching over me now, and will always do. So here’s to love and to a great father. Happy Father’s Day, ‘Tay! (Inquirer link here.)

Eye Hero September 7, 2005

Heroes in someone else’s eyes
Arlene M. Paredes

Published on September 7, 2005 in the Philippine Daily Inquirer

YOU ARE YOUNG, HEALTHY AND full of dreams for your family and yourself. The sight of your loved ones inspires you to pursue your undertakings and hope for the best in your future. You are studying in a reputable university, trying to make your dreams come true or still trying to figure out what you really want to do with your life. You have a vision for yourself. And you want to see this vision fulfilled. Now, when your mind is focused on living and getting everything you can get out of life, how would you react if an organization were to approach you to consider what you can do after you die? Would you be willing to be a hero and continue to live long after you’re gone?

“Be a hero in someone’s eyes; be a cornea or eye donor.”

For over 10 years now, this is what the Eye Bank Foundation of the Philippines (EBFP) has been doing—encouraging Filipinos to leave a legacy of sight and bringing a fire of hope to people in need of sight-restoring surgery.

It was the eve of National Heroes’ Day when 2bU! attended “Vision for a Vision” dinner at the Nicotina Garden Pavilion and joined a roomful of modern-day heroes led by Dr. Minguita Padilla, founder and president of EBFP, in celebrating 10 years of restoring sight to those in need of a cornea transplant.

The cornea is the transparent tissue covering our eye and transmitting light to the brain. An accident resulting in eye injury, a disease or some hereditary conditions can damage the cornea and subsequently reduce vision to the point of corneal blindness. EBFP’s mission is to alleviate corneal blindness, one of the top four causes of remediable blindness in the country and in the world.

EBFP, a nonprofit, nongovernment, humanitarian organization, hopes to convince more people to pledge their corneal tissue for the sake of those who are blind. “At any one point there are at least 300 people waiting for corneal tissue in the reservation list of the Eye Bank. Although the four to five months waiting time is very good by world standards, each additional day in darkness is like an eternity for someone ignited with the hope of restored sight. With the help of our generous supporters we hope to cut this waiting time at least in half so that we may help more people, and help them more effectively,” said Dr. Padilla.

EBFP manages and operates the Santa Lucia International Eye Bank of Manila (SLIEB), which is the only internationally accredited, active, state-of-the-art, 24-hour eye-banking facility in the country.

Asking for organ and tissue donation calls for a lot of courage. Fortunately, the founder of EBFP has more than just unwavering courage; she has the firm determination to fulfill the EBFP vision and bring sight back especially to indigent Filipinos. “We were working practically alone, very quietly (in the beginning)… In fact some people said, ‘You’ll never make it,’” shares Dr. Padilla, grateful that financial and technical support eventually reached them and more people have continuously supported the eye bank and the EBFP vision.

A donated cornea and eye tissue is the only chance for many people to restore their eyesight. Topnotch broadcast journalist Che Che Lazaro is one of the many grateful recipients of a cornea transplant. An 18-year-old girl, whom we shall call “Baby Joy,” from Binalonan, Pangasinan, had congenital corneal blindness which slowly affected her since she was 2 months old. She was finally able to regain her eyesight around two yeas ago through the help of EBFP. A member of Cafgu (Civilian Armed Forces Geographical Unit) slowly lost his vision during a mission in Mindanao in 1993. He regained his eyesight just last year after two successful corneal transplants.

However, thousands of people are still waiting for heroes with generous hearts to donate his or her eyes upon death or the eyes of a family member who had just died. The good news is we can all be eye donors. We can contact EBFP and pledge our cornea tissues now.

Sarah Geronimo, one of the youngest celebrity supporters of EBFP, says she is very happy to be a part of the “Tears of Hope, Tears of Health” campaign of EBFP. The young singing champion muses, “Tickets din po ‘yun sa heaven…”

With all things considered and put in good perspective, wouldn’t you want to be a hero in someone else’s eyes, too?

“Vision for a Vision” was a fundraising dinner attended by the supporters of the “Tears of Hope, Tears of Health” campaign of EBFP and Visine Refresh. The night was a culminating activity for Sight Saving Month, highlighted by an auction of precious items previously owned by celebrity supporters of EBFP, like director Jose Javier Reyes, actress Rica Peralejo, broadcast journalist and cornea recipient Che Che Lazaro, former Bb. Pilipinas Universe Abbygale Arenas-De Leon, top photographer Jun De Leon and makeup expert Juan Sarte.

The Eye Bank Foundation of the Philippines is at Suite 246 Makati Medical Center, 2 Amorsolo St., Makati City. Telefax No:. 8935995; cell phone 0917-8935995; E-mail eyebank1@ultimate.info.com.ph (Inquirer link here.)

Important facts about eye donation

MANY BLIND PEOPLE CAN SEE almost perfectly after a corneal transplant. The damaged corneas are replaced with clear tissues supplied by the bank.

Anyone, regardless of age, whether or not you wear eyeglasses or contact lenses, or had an eye disease may donate their corneas for transplant.

One may choose to donate their corneal tissue alone or the entire eye. Other parts of the eye may also be used for sight-saving surgeries.

There are no visible signs of the eye or corneal removal. Once removed, they are replaced with an eye cap or prosthetic so that the appearance of the face is maintained.

Corneal or eye donation is not contrary to most church doctrine. Organ donation is not a desecration of the human body. It is supported and approved by the most religious denominations.

Source: The Eye Bank Foundation of the Philippines primer

E-mail the author at lhenparedes@gmail.com

Christmas in June July 27, 2005

Merry Christmas in June
Arlene M. Paredes

Published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer on July 27, 2005

WHO said Christmas can only be celebrated in December? Twelve blessed children had their Christmas in June. And it felt just right.

They were meek and rather bashful on stage, answering questions in at most, three-worded phrases, but what they lacked in words they made up for with the genuine expressions of gratitude and delight in their beautiful little faces as they received their Christmas wishes in June.

Twelve children, aged 4-17 years old, received their Christmas wishes from Make-A-Wish Foundation (MAWF) Philippines during “MAWF Christmas in June” at the SM Megamall Ice Skating Rink in June 29.

Recipients of Christmas wishes were: Wilgein Oraye, 4, with acute lymphocytic leukemia; Bryan Jasper Manila, 7, with brain tumor; Lani Versoza, 11, with brain tumor; Alvin James Castillo, 7, with acute lymphocytic leukemia; Paul Rodriguez, 7, with acute myelogenous leukemia; Brian Edward Hermogeno, 7, with beta thalassemia (blood disorder); Yanna Rose Guevarra, 6, with acute lymphocytic leukemia; Ana Margarita Pangilinan, 17, with acute lymphocytic leukemia; Jayson Tunay, 9, with acute lymphocytic leukemia; Bianca Ericka Valencia, 8, with yolk sac tumor; Samantha Luz, 14, with acute lymphocytic leukemia; and Juan Carlo Ramos, 4, with acute lymphocytic leukemia.

The children are separately confined at the Philippine General Hospital, University of Sto. Tomas Hospital, Philippine Children’s Medical Center and Fe Del Mundo Medical Center.

Three of them wished for a Gameboy SP, another three wished for a television, while the others separately wished for a bike, a remote-controlled car, a cell phone with radio, a cell phone with camera, a discman, and a Spiderman toy.

Their wishes were rather simple, mostly things that they could use every day, things that a regular kid would wish to have. This means my friends and I could sponsor a wish and take part in the wonderful mission of MAWF: “We grant the wishes of children with life-threatening medical conditions to enrich the human experience with hope, strength and joy.”

Astonishing courage

It was a blessing to witness the wish-granting ceremony and see the precious smiles on the little children’s faces. This author felt truly humbled by the astonishing courage the children displayed: though they were all suffering from a serious illness, there was not a clue on their faces that they were ready to give up or stop enjoying life to the fullest.

Despite the discomfort of masks and their ailing bodies, they were radiating with a different kind of energy-the kind that would generate strength and hope in the hearts of those who would care to really look at them. It should not be surprising, though. They are children. If anyone could inspire us at the most trying times in our life, it would be the children, with their unfailing hope and unwavering faith.

Christmas in June was made possible by MAWF Philippines along with MAWF-Canada (represented by Canadian Ambassador Peter Sutherland and Gerard Belanger, head of Canadian International Development Agency), Philippine Daily Inquirer, Toy Kingdom, and individual sponsors, Celine Madamba and Elaine Maralit.

MAWF was founded in 1980 when a little boy named Chris Greicius, who was suffering from leukemia, realized his wish to become a police officer. Since then, MAWF has granted the wishes of over a hundred thousand children with life-threatening medical conditions all over the world.

Here in the Philippines, MAWF first granted a wish in 1999. Christian Lanzar, who had hemophilia since birth, had wished to sing to the world. His wish won Best Wish of the Year International. MAWF made Chris’s wish possible in a grand fashion when it made Christian sing with no less than Regine Velasquez at the Manila Peninsula fountain during the millennium welcome celebration, broadcast all over the world. (Inquirer link here.)

Make-A-Wish Foundation of the Philippines holds office at Suite 303 I-Care Building, 167 Legaspi Corner De La Rosa St., Legaspi Village, Makati City 1229. (Telefax: 840-1553, Website: www.makeawish.org.ph ) Donations are accepted through RCBC Peso Account No: 1-288-36555-1.